Archive for November, 2011

6 Blunders Men Make That Prevent Them From Having the Relationship They Really Want!

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011

6. Not Taking Problem Solving Breaks – You need to stop trying to find solutions to her problems and struggles if you want a relationship full of love whether it be with your girlfriend or your wife!

Trying to solve the problems in her life is not what she is looking for and if she isn’t looking for that then she is not going to want that! What she is looking for is a relationship of love and a relationship is not about solving problems, it’s much more than that. A relationship, whether it be with a girlfriend or wife is about listening to her hurts and disappointments, being there during her struggles and last but not least and only after those things have been done, helping her with it if that’s what she wants. If you skip straight to the end point you will miss out on the relationship part altogether! Often all she wants is someone to simply listen to her, by sharing her emotions that is how she is connecting with you!

So how do you do this? Be fully present by not thinking ahead. Focus your attention on her, not her problem. Absolutely do not try to solve the problem in your head while you are talking with her. Instead ask her questions like “how does that make you feel?” or “what do you think about that?” This will move you much closer to the relationship you want, a loving relationship with your girlfriend or your wife!

 

5. Thinking She is the Adventure -  Because we feel excitement around the woman we are with, whether it be our girlfriend or wife, and the possibilities that lay ahead with her we tend to make the mistake that she is the adventure herself  and that just being with her is an adventure! This is a big mistake and will effect the chances of having a loving relationship in a negative way!

She is not the adventure, she may feel like it at first but this will ultimately disappoint you and it will disappoint her too which! While there is excitement in being with her and it is exciting to look forward to doing things with her there is much more than just this! This is selling the relationship and yourself short. It’s also building her up to be more than she is.

She is just a human being with her own struggles, faults and weaknesses and these will continually become more apparent as you get to know her more just as like when you get to know anybody more deeply. Everybody always put their best foot forward and they are always on their best behaviour until you spend enough time with them and the image is dropped because the effort is not maintained and because of comfort level that now exists between you whether this be at the girlfriend stage or marriage stage of your relationship.

She wants the excitement of being on an adventure with you! She already knows she is not the adventure because she knows she is just a human being! Plus she wants more of an adventure than just finding out about you! If you cannot offer that adventure she will also get bored with you and will be disappointed with you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking all girls want is intimacy and safety. Like any human being they have a need for excitement as well!

So how do you do this?

By adding excitement from external sources, like the things you decide to do with her, together, you will add so much more excitement and adventure to your relationship beyond simply what you feel for each other!

-Plan adventures!

-Take time to go do specific fun things that you both enjoy doing!

-Surprise her and change things up!

Do this is a sure way to increase the success of your loving relationship with your girlfriend or wife!

 

4. Pornography – Pornography is any type of lust based material involving sexual depictions of women, not just hardcore sex or nude photos! This also extends to the “pornography” inside your head, the mental fantasies that you indulge in and spend time focusing on. You may disagree strongly or you may be wondering how this can possibly be. To answer that we’ll have to go deeper into this subject to see why.

So first of all, why is pornography so dangerous and destructive to having a loving relationship with your girlfriend or wife?

(a) Pornography is all about self gratification; it is a selfishness action that is purely about getting a feeling for yourself, the problem is there is more than 1 person in a relationship!

(b) It’s chasing the wrong kind of excitement and not pursuing the excitement of intimacy. Relationships are built with emotional intimacy, and unlike a new rush, intimacy keeps getting easier and easier.

(c) Pornography makes your wife less visually appealing and physically exciting to you!

All pornography has the same purpose and the same effect weather it be hard-core, soft-core or simply or women in bikini’s; the desired effect is the feeling of being turned on! The fact that pornography comes in varying forms and degrees of intensity is irrelevant, soft-core and hard-core pornography are just different points on the same path with the same goal in mind. The reason why it is so devastating is because it’s never enough and never stops where it currently is. It never satisfies for long and what was once satisfying no longer has the same feeling or impact it once had which in turn causes us to seek that same feeling we used to get by turning to something more hardcore. This cycle continues over and over again until we are looking at very sick stuff because we keep going deeper and darker. The problem is we often don’t notice it because we’ve gotten so desensitized! The same principals hold true with any stimulus in life! Money, power, drugs or violence! On top of all of this it is highly addictive because of the feeling it gives us!

Related to this is the intention behind it all.  You may think you are just satisfying a need and this by the way is a very common argument. But then meet that need inside a loving relationship with your wife! You may feel a very strong urge to look at pornography, but remember, how did you get there? You got there by the choices you made. Firstly by not putting effort into your relationship with your wife and secondly by looking at pornography in the first place.  In other words it did not just happen all on its own!

So why are mental fantasies just a different variety of the same thing, for the reasons mentioned above, the effect and the intention of it are the same. It just takes a different form, but still outside of a loving relationship with your girlfriend or wife.

The bottom line is that pornography is a cheap and inferior replacement to the real sexual satisfaction and intimacy you can have within a loving relationship with your wife if your willing to put the effort into it.

So how do you stop looking at pornography?

-First you need to understand and believe how destructive and detrimental this is!

-Have accountability partners!

-Put blockers on your computer or get rid of the computer altogether!

-Choice, nothing happens by its self, you actually have to go and make yourself look at pornography. The computer does not move to you and turn itself on!

-Lastly but most importantly, find a replacement for it. In this case a replacement that is better! The best replacement is a strong, loving relationship with the right woman. Put effort into your relationship and go to her to meet your sexual needs. Take the time to satisfy her they way she wants and the favor will be returned! In addition to being turned on, you will also have love and intimacy, and the truth is, unlike being turned on, the feeling of love and intimacy is satisfying and does not diminish. Part of that is because it is more than just a feeling. Not only this but the deeper your love goes and the stronger it gets the more satisfying and fulfilling sex will be for you!

-In the future, judge your choices around pornography and lust by this criteria: Is it in the name of love and intimacy? Is this helpful to my relationship or marriage? Would my girlfriend or wife be ok with this? If I ran the implications of this out in the long term, what would the results be to my current and future relationships?

 

3. Not Knowing Her Love Language – A love language is simply the manner in which your girlfriend or wife wants to be loved and feels most loved when this method is used.

There are 5 love languages or 5 ways people can be loved in a relationship. They are: Touch, spending time with that person, giving gifts, acts of service and verbally, through words. Although everybody has all of them in varying degrees, and they can be combined, one or two always stand out above the rest for each person. Because these stand out and have the most impact your wife or significant other will feel most loved by you when you use her primary love language.

When you don’t your girlfriend or wife will simply not feel your love to the same degree regardless of the intentions and feelings you have. In fact, there is a chance that she will virtually not feel it at all! This means a lot of wasted time on your part and you ending up baffled as to why she feels the way she does and you are not getting the response you want despite your effort and intentions!

So how do you do change this and find out her love language so you can have the love you want in your relationship with your girlfriend or wife?

- Find out about her! Know her better than you know anything or anyone else! What makes her feel loved?

- Ask others, ask her and reflect on your experiences with her.

- Also you can read the book and take the test together!


 

2. Getting Your Masculinity From Her! – This means defining your manhood or your sense of how manly you are by the type of women you have or what sh thinks of you. In other words, the affirmation you gain from your relationships.

If your definition of masculinity comes from women then by definition your manliness will change from moment to moment based on how women view you. Of course this not make any sense, how can your masculinity suddenly change based on what others think or perceive about you? Another reason this does not work is because femininity cannot bestow masculinity. You may feel masculine by comparison but this does not give you masculinity. Regardless, this will have a huge impact on your relationship with your girlfriend or wife in multiple ways. First, it will cause you to change your behavior towards her because you will be wanting her to be giving you that affirmation, she will sense and feel this and it will be a turn off to her. In many ways you be a slave to her view of you. Secondly, you will be less confident and your confidence level will change day to day, another turn off to the woman in your life.

Believe it or not your manhood is not related to women and it does come from women. If it was, the criteria for being a man would simply be a physiological function of being able to have sex. So if it’s not that, then what, physical appearance? How about muscles, is being a man about how large your biceps are or how tall you are? Can something this shallow and meaningless really account for any part of being a man? In reality being a man comes from something much deeper than just physical characteristics or functions. It comes from your values and character and how you act on them. Masculinity does involve women, but only in how you treat them, which should come from the same principals and values that determine how you live the rest of your life.

So how do you do this so you can have the love you want in the relationship you have with your girlfriend or wife? First you need to set up your criteria of what it is to be a man apart from women or physical characteristics. This means making a list of values, morals and character traits that you deem essential to being a man.

The second step involves acting on that list you just came up with. It’s one thing to know something, it’s another to do it. Information is useless unless you actually do something with it. You are only who you are in the present and there is only the present, there is no tomorrow. So who are you being and how are you acting?

 

 

1. Following Instead Of Leading – Following means not making decisions, especially the hard ones, following means not taking responsibility for your wife, following means being passive instead of taking a stand and taking action! All of these things will detrimentally effect the relationship you have with your girlfriend or wife!

Leadership is important because she wants it! Taking action, taking responsibility and making decisions is the only way to actually be the man she wants you to be for her, to protect her, provide for her and help her to reach her potential. Even though many women will not admit it publicly this is what they really want. They want the feeling of being with someone stronger than they are. Letting your wife make the decisions, putting the responsibility on her and deferring to her leadership will lower her respect for you. You need to be proactive, purposeful and deliberate. Part of this entails never just letting her “win” unless it is something silly and meaningless. Don’t fall into the trap of “women always just think they are right” so let them be right. This of course does not mean being a dictator either, your decisions should be joint and made together. Leadership does not mean not compromising.

There is something you need to watch out for when it comes to being a leader; your wife may be undermining you, this does not mean she is trying to undermine you, but that does not mean she isn’t nonetheless. This may come through in the comments she makes to you or about you in front of others. It may simply how she tries to take the leadership from you and make decisions completely on her own or the way she disagrees with you and fights what you want. On the other hand she may also be purposefully doing this if you are trying to change the situation and become a leader. This will be because she is used to having that role and power and wants to keep it that way. Human beings always like things to stay the way they are and are resistant to change especially when power is involved and they gain value from it. You need to over come this in order to have the relationship you want with your girlfriend or wife.

So how do you do this? First be clear on what you want for your girlfriend or wife, that is a loving relationship with them. Then start thinking about what leadership changes need to happen in order for that to take place. Once you are clear on your goal, take the next step by having a conversation with your girlfriend or wife. Communicate to your intentions, feelings and thoughts on this matter. Work together to come up with a plan of what this is going to look like and how it will work. For instance, does this mean meeting at a certain time each week for discussions and planning. What decisions should be made together and which can be made separately. Ultimately she should be supporting you in this if she wants what is best for you, her and your relationship!

 

-If you want to know how this specifically applies to you as a unique individual in your unique situation…

-If you want to take action, apply this and overcome the barriers and obstacles in your life while using your strengths…

-If you want to stay on track once you’re on track…

Start by booking a free 45 minute life coaching sample session using the form in the top right corner or email me at Shane@LifeOPC.com or call 250-889-0988 today!

5 Frequent Mistakes Men Make That Stop Them From Having Control, Confidence & Power!

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011

5. The Power of Choice – Choice is something we do 3000 to 4000 times a day! Choice is simply the decisions we make to do something or not, to think about something or not to. That’s all.

Choice is very simple but very powerful! It is the foundation for everything we have done, everything we are doing and everything we will do. In fact, nothing you have done or will do can happen without your choice. This is because you always have a choice! In fact, even doing nothing is still a choice. This does not mean that you can do absolutely anything you want to or that you can control everything around you, it just means you have a choice as to how you respond to your environment and what you choose to accomplish. Choice turns the invisible to the visible!

How do you use the power of choice? This is very simple. First things first, simply don’t forget that you have a choice, don’t forget the power you already have!

Next, realize that there is a difference between being interested in something and committed to something. A decision is committing to something, not just being interested in it! If you want to make a strong choice, commit to a particular action! This means doing it despite how you may feel or what might seem to get in the way at times!

“You always have a choice, but you have to make a decision!” – Shane Johnson

Lastly, start making more decisions! Start with small easy ones and be aware of the choices you are making. It’s like lifting weights, start doing it and you will see results! But you need to practice!

 

4. Not Being A Leader – Being a leader means taking action on our own and not simply following others.

Being a leader is important because it moves you into action, causes you to think more about your choices, pushes you with more responsibility and enables you to feel the power you truly have. You are already leader whether you realize it or not, and you are a leader in ways that might surprise you! As men we are constantly setting an example for others and impacting them in many ways. Whether this is your friends, your brothers and sisters, your wife or your children, you are an example. Don’t be fooled, the people in your life are watching you and you have a choice as to how you will impact and influence them.

So how do you become a leader? First you need to realize your existing leadership. Make a list of the people in your life and you will see how many people you are already impacting.

Secondly, sign up for a leadership role, you don’t have to have any practice or experience in leadership do this because life has already given you the experience and practice you need . You also don’t need to be an incredible leader to be an effective leader, so don’t set the bar too high and don’t be hard on yourself! This is a start, so treat it as one.

 

3. Using Others Definition Of Strength – Instead of having your own correct definition of strength you are using someone else’s mistaken definition of what strength is.

Is real strength muscles? Is real strength getting your way? Is real strength having lots of money? Perhaps most importantly of all, why would you let society or other men tell you what real strength is? Who are they to determine that and who says they have the correct meaning? Rather, develop your own definition! How much strength does it take to be authentic and real? How much strength does it take a stand for what is right?  How much strength does it take to win the battle of your mind by deciding what you’ll focus on and what you won’t. How much strength does it take to confront someone? How much strength does it take to stay calm? How much strength does it take to be vulnerable and in touch with how you feel?

Striving for the wrong definition of strength will cause you to end up with something other than real strength. It will also cause you to feel like you are always falling short!

So how do you find the real definition of strength and create your own definition of strength? Many people have many definitions of strength, that does not mean there isn’t correct one, the point is you need to take the time and define what your definition of strength is, the correct definition! Only you can do that, so spend some time every day thinking about what real strength is and write down what you come up with. After you have come up with a reasonable number of ideas, compile them and decide which ones are the best. Then write out your definition: Strength is…

 

 

2. Revering Others – This means holding others on a pedestal, one that they do not deserve to be on!

When you hold others on a pedestal you are putting yourself in a pit. There is really no way around the fact that as a result of revering others you will see yourself in a worse light as a result of relative comparison. You will then begin to believe there are certain things they can do that you cannot because of who they are, in other words, because they are different than you and you believe they are superior to you. The truth is that in almost all things, it is not your ability that limits you but what you are willing to do. This is besides the fact that the pedestal perspective makes absolutely no sense to begin with! Each of these people have their own problems and weaknesses many of which you cannot see because you simply don’t know them well enough. But just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. No one has it all together, that is a fact. Everybody experiences highs and lows, fears and guilt, failure and regret, that is part of what it is to be human. And one things you already know is that they, just like you, are human beings.

So how do you stop revering others? Instead of holding certain people you know on a pedestal remind yourself that they are human beings just like you!

Ask yourself the following questions: Who are the people you hold in such high regards? How well do you really know them? What small part of their life do you see? How much time do you actually spend with them?

You can also think about it in reverse, think about all of the things they don’t know about you! Then flip it around, just like this, there are many things you don’t know about them! Try imagining some of them!

Lastly, if you really need to, get to know them better! Spend some real one on one time with them. The more you get to know these people the more you will see they’re weaknesses, limitations and faults!

 

 

1. Unwillingness To Have The Journey – The journey is the process, the time as well as the ups and downs on the way to the final outcome and the result that you want!

Character, perseverance and strength are created through struggles and trials not easy carefree times! In other words, it is the process it’s self that critical to getting the results you want. There is no way around it, no easy way out and no short cut home! Character, perseverance and strength are not something you are just born with or something you simply decide that one day you are going to have. Of course the journey itself it worthless if you don’t have the right perspective while you are on it. Make sure you have the correct perspective, know the purpose of the journey and your end goal, use your experiences and knowledge you gain along the way to improve yourself, your ability and your understanding!

If you look at any accomplished individual you will see they had their own journey with times that were very rough. If you ask them, they will tell you that journey was a critical part of them being where they are today!

So how do you do this? Don’t get off of the ride! Don’t short circuit the process by refusing to continue! When the times get tough remind yourself of the reason behind it. Look forward to tough times knowing this is an opportunity! When you hit tough times you must see them as delays, not defeat or denial!

 

-If you want to know how this applies to you as a unique individual in your unique situation!

-If you want to take action to overcome the barriers and obstacles in your life while using your strengths!

-If you want to stay on track once you’re on track!

Start by booking a free 45 minute life coaching sample session using the form in the top right corner or email me at Shane@LifeOPC.com or call 250-889-0988 today!