Archive for the ‘WOMEN & SEX: Critical errors men make that stop them from finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife that they want!’ Category

7 Dangers To Avoid That Keep Men From Finding Love and Getting The Girlfriend or Wife They Want!

Thursday, December 1st, 2011

 

7. Being Naive – Being naive means not thinking about, being aware of and realizing a woman’s intentions, goals and the actions she is taking to get them! Being naive in this respect will prevent you from finding love and getting the girlfriend or wife you are looking for!

Unlike men, women tend to think about and plan social interaction a lot! Women aren’t so innocent when it comes to their interactions, in fact the are way ahead of men when it comes to getting the ones they want, what they want in them and what they want to get through them.  Most of what you see a woman do in public is very intentional, very well thought out and pre-planned. It is not an accident that is she where she is, acting how she is and wearing what she is. She knows who she wants to see her and how she wants to be seen!

As with all generalizations, many generalizations about women are inaccurate, such as, all women really want is love and intimacy. Women also want excitement! They also want wealth! They also want to be noticed and seen! Why do they settle for only love and intimacy sometimes? Because these needs are very strong and they are better than nothing. However, this is also why they end up having affairs, because needs such as excitement and having a masculine confident man in their life are not being met! It is also why they compromise in the other extreme. Having relationships just for social status, wealth and to be seen and noticed. And of course on top of this, all women are different, each of them have their own set of values and wants because each is a unique human being.

Many men tend not to fully appreciate the depth and complexity of this aspect of women because we are selves don’t spend lots of time thinking about these things when it comes to finding love and getting a girlfriend or wife. Furthermore, the biggest female figures and influence in our lives have been our mothers and because mothers are uniquely caring and kind to us we often have a misrepresentation of what women are really like. We only have one mother and mothers treat their children differently! As men we tend to define ourselves by ourselves by accomplishment, possessions and wealth love or our girlfriend or wife. Women tend to define themselves by their social status which include who they are dating, the friends they have and the way in which they are seen by others.

So what does all of this mean? What do you need to do?

First,  women will deliberately test you. When she is getting to know you, this will come in the form of the questions she asks as well as the situations she puts you in. She is certainly very observant and will look into things much more closely and deeply than you will of her. She is constantly forming belief and opinions about you as you interact and she sees more of your life. Therefor be careful of what you convey to her! Always remember that you are sending a message to her and she is interpreting one of her own as well!

Secondly, you want to see what she is really after! If you know that what she is doing, how she is acting and dressing is intentional, this will tell you a lot about her! Always observe her behaviour, especially towards other people! This is critical to finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife!

Lastly, deliberately test her and observe her! Ask her deep meaningful and important questions then combine her answers with how she acts! Come to your dates with some pre-planned criteria and questions! Finally, if she passes your tests and you think what she wants and is looking for are the type things that are good, healthy and similar to you, see how you can best meet those needs and wants she has! All of these things will help you find love and get the girlfriend or wife you are looking for!

 

 

6. Not Dealing With The Fear Of Rejection - Everybody has the fear of rejection, no where is it more prominent that when it comes to approaching women and worrying about her saying “no”. This is perhaps the most obvious danger that will prevent you from finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife!

The fear of rejection varies from person to person but it almost always has the same effect; it stops you from asking out a woman you otherwise would have if not for the fear. For those who the fear of rejection is very strong and hence causes that man to pass up on asking many women it is especially important to tackle this fear. But even for those it effects to a lesser degree, you can still only benefit from removing this fear, after all, you never know which woman you pass up on will be the woman you can find love with! Although the fear of rejection is somewhat common that does not mean it should be!

So how do you lessen the fear of rejection? The fear of rejection is based on a number of false beliefs that cause us to internalize this fear. Knowing these false beliefs and dealing with them is critical to destroying the fear of rejection in your life, finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife. The first thing is to realize is that you are not actually being rejected, in other words, she does not know who you are, in fact she knows next to nothing about you, that includes your strengths, your character, your values, your personality or your goals. So if she says no, she is not saying no to those things that make up who you are because she does not even know those things about you!

The next thing you need to remember is that you know almost nothing about her! She could have a boyfriend, she could be unrealistically picky, she could be a very poor decision maker, she could be very irrational and judgmental. The point is, you don’t know why she is saying no and it could be for any number of bad reasons!

The point is, as men we often try to draw conclusion and make sense of things, however this is an error when it comes to situations like this because we simply don’t have enough information. Of course we do have information on ourselves so we often link it back to being something about ourselves. This of course though is totally illogical, it is much more logical to realize you can’t actually draw a valid conclusion from something you don’t have enough information on, so don’t try! It will only lead you astray and contribute to preventing you from finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife.

On top of this, the more you realize who you are, you’re values, strengths, personality and character and the more you like who you are, the less other peoples opinions and actions will effect you because you will be secure in yourself and know that a persons reaction does not change who you are, your worth or value.

Remind yourself of these truth’s everyday!

 

5. Thinking You Can Fix Her - You’ve heard that girls try to change their guys, well unfortunately the male version of that is that sometimes we try to help fix her and the “baggage” she has. Trying to change her is a huge danger that will prevent you from finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife.

Her “Baggage” is the accumulation of hurts in her life from bad experiences that include being cheated on, being used and being disrespected from former boyfriends as well as other people in her life such as friends and family. These kind of hurts which result in false beliefs and fears and hence the unhealthy emotions and behaviors that follow generally fit into about 4 different categories (though this detail and information is beyond the scope of this article).

The bottom line is you cannot help her, it’s not that she can’t be helped, just not by you! This in part because you are in a relationship with her, in other words, because you are trying to find love and get the right girlfriend or wife! As such you are hardly in the right state of mind to be objectively helping her let alone do what is actually needed considering how it will effect the rest of your relationship which is romantic not client/patient based. This is besides the fact that you are not trained to help her. That’s what professionals are for, counsellors and psychologists. Finally, remember that she has to want to change, so even if you could help her it is worthless if she doesn’t want to change in the first place! On top of this you will be missing out on some potentially great women if you spend your time trying to fix her!

How do you do this? Look out for red flags early, and have your decision made ahead of time that their are certain red flags you will simply not ignore!  Realize that as good as your intentions may be, intentions are not enough. Don’t waffle or convince yourself that you will some how be able to do what other guys could not.  Don’t entertain the fantasy of being a white night in shining armor, it’s not a fantasy but a nightmare! Lastly, find a girl who doesn’t need to be fixed! It’s always makes it easier when you replace the thing you are leaving with something else! All of these things will help you find love and get the right girlfriend or wife!

 

 

4. Wrong Places Right Faces – You can look all you want for the right girl, but if you’re looking in the wrong places you’ll never find love or get the right girlfriend or wife!

The first part of any search is knowing what you are searching for. Only after you know this can you begin searching, but the next question is where do you start looking? Obviously there will be certain places that you are much more likely to find love an the right girlfriend or wife than other places. There is no point looking in the wrong places for the right faces!

So how do you go about doing this?

First you need a starting point, some understanding of what type of girl you are looking for! Create a list of personality traits, character, values and strengths you like, want and are attracted to in a woman. Next create a list of personality traits, characteristics and weaknesses you don’t want in a woman! Make these lists as exhaustive as possible and give yourself a good ½ hour on each!

Once you’ve created that list start figuring out where that type of woman is most likely to hang out and spend her time. This of course will be completely determined by what you’ve come up with. Create a 2nd list of places she is not likely to spend her time at. If she is a fellow professional, who is dedicated to work but also wants a family, chances are you won’t see her in a club. This is not complicated procedure but it takes some time.

Finally start going to those places where she is most likely to be and avoid going to places where she is not likely to be. If you enjoy going to those places where she will most likely not be at, just remember not to waste too much time asking out girls you see there, since there is a low chance of finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife in that environment.

 

3. Not Being Yourself – Not being yourself means acting, faking it and putting on a front, all of which will prevent you from finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife.

Don’t fool yourself, girls are remarkably good a reading others! If you are acting, faking it or pretending you are something you are not this will really turn her off, if not right away, as soon as she finds out!

Besides not being able to keep this up forever, you shouldn’t want to anyways because it is self defeating. To know if she is really a good fit for you, the right potential girlfriend or wife you have to be you and then see if the relationship works.

How do you do this? This is simple but not necessarily easy. First it really helps to like who you are. By this I mean your strengths, character and especially the parts of you that you cannot change, like your personality. This isn’t to say you are perfect or don’t want to change anything about yourself, but you can still do that without faking it. Being honest doesn’t mean telling her everything you are not, are not good at or don’t like about yourself. As always, put your best foot forward, but make sure it is the best part of something you are, not something you are not. This will greatly increase your chances of finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife.

Of course to do this you first have to know who you are and I mean really know who you are. To really know who you are keep reading the rest of this article!

 

2. Trying To Find “The One” Instead Of Trying To Be “The One” – This means spending all of your time looking for the right girl without making sure you are the right guy for her. This is a very common danger that will prevent you from finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife.

If you are constantly focusing on trying to find the one, you have forgotten that there are 2 sides to this coin, she is also trying to find “the one” because she wants love too. So the real question is, how are you preparing to be “the one” for her? Let’s play this out, if you finally did meet the right girl that’s great, but from that point on, the moment you meet her, she will be thinking is this the right guy for me. The searching is the start, you have to actually deliver what you promise for to want you and stay with you. It’s like looking for the perfect job, researching like crazy, talking to every expert you know, making lists of pro’s and con’s, then you go to an interview and realize you are no different than everybody else applying for that same job. You have no training, education or experience that makes you stand out from anyone else! How is that going to help you find love and get the right girlfriend or wife? It’s not!

So how do you do avoid this mistake? This is more simple than it may seem. Take what ever personality traits, character and strengths you want in her and then look at yourself through that lens and see how you stack up. Where ever you find you are left wanting or lacking, start working on those things. Now I am not suggesting you can change everything about yourself or that you should try, but you can enhance, modify and bring things out. That of course will increase your attractiveness and help you find love and get the right girlfriend or wife.

It always helps to ask people around you that know you well because they have insights into our lives that we do not because they are on the outside looking in and are not as emotionally involved as we are. Just make sure they will be honest and forthright with you; so make sure you tell them you want them to be and give them the reason. If it is more than you realize, start by picking 3 and go from there. Finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife depends on who you are! She is making a large investment, make sure she is making a good investment!

 

 

1. Opposite Don’t Attract! – This next write up applies most heavily to points number 4, 4 and 2 and was alluded to each of those sections. Knowing who you are is the most important part to finding love and getting the right girlfriend or wife because it is so foundational!

To fully be who you truly are, to really like who you are and to really maximize who you are you have to know who you are to begin with! I’m talking about your personality, your strengths, your values and your wants. How well do you really know these things? If asked you to list them all out right now, how far would you get beyond a simple very basic list? The reasoning behind this is straight forward and intuitive. To find love and get the right girlfriend or wife, the woman you want should be similar to you, complimentary to you and compatible with you.

This means that in some ways you want her to be like you, for example in terms of intelligence, values and how much socialization she likes. In other ways you want her to compliment you, this means hopefully she has strengths you don’t have to fill in your weaknesses, after all a relationship involves working together and accomplishing things together. Lastly, you want her to be compatible with you, that means in some areas you want her to be the opposite of you. For example, if you are very masculine, intense and if you like to be in charge, then having a woman who is very feminine, easy going and doesn’t mind having someone else make decisions will ensure that you don’t clash with her! The key is in realizing which attributes should be similar, which should be complimentary and which should be compatible! Most of this is not that difficult to reason out logically.

Now it is important to note that note following these things does not mean your relationship won’t work and that it is doomed. It does mean it will be a lot harder to make work and a lot less enjoyable. So the question you need to ask yourself is, since relationships are hard enough as they are, do I really want to make things harder or easier? Do I want to set myself up for success of failure? Do I want the most enjoyment possible and the least effort possible for the rest of my life? If you want to find the best love you can and get the right girlfriend or wife, this is critical!

 

-If you want to know how this specifically applies to you as a unique individual in your unique situation…

-If you want to take action, apply this and overcome the barriers and obstacles in your life while using your strengths…

-If you want to stay on track once you’re on track…

Start by booking a free 45 minute life coaching sample session using the form in the top right corner or email me at Shane@LifeOPC.com or call 250-889-0988 today!

6 Blunders Men Make That Prevent Them From Having the Relationship They Really Want!

Wednesday, November 30th, 2011

6. Not Taking Problem Solving Breaks – You need to stop trying to find solutions to her problems and struggles if you want a relationship full of love whether it be with your girlfriend or your wife!

Trying to solve the problems in her life is not what she is looking for and if she isn’t looking for that then she is not going to want that! What she is looking for is a relationship of love and a relationship is not about solving problems, it’s much more than that. A relationship, whether it be with a girlfriend or wife is about listening to her hurts and disappointments, being there during her struggles and last but not least and only after those things have been done, helping her with it if that’s what she wants. If you skip straight to the end point you will miss out on the relationship part altogether! Often all she wants is someone to simply listen to her, by sharing her emotions that is how she is connecting with you!

So how do you do this? Be fully present by not thinking ahead. Focus your attention on her, not her problem. Absolutely do not try to solve the problem in your head while you are talking with her. Instead ask her questions like “how does that make you feel?” or “what do you think about that?” This will move you much closer to the relationship you want, a loving relationship with your girlfriend or your wife!

 

5. Thinking She is the Adventure -  Because we feel excitement around the woman we are with, whether it be our girlfriend or wife, and the possibilities that lay ahead with her we tend to make the mistake that she is the adventure herself  and that just being with her is an adventure! This is a big mistake and will effect the chances of having a loving relationship in a negative way!

She is not the adventure, she may feel like it at first but this will ultimately disappoint you and it will disappoint her too which! While there is excitement in being with her and it is exciting to look forward to doing things with her there is much more than just this! This is selling the relationship and yourself short. It’s also building her up to be more than she is.

She is just a human being with her own struggles, faults and weaknesses and these will continually become more apparent as you get to know her more just as like when you get to know anybody more deeply. Everybody always put their best foot forward and they are always on their best behaviour until you spend enough time with them and the image is dropped because the effort is not maintained and because of comfort level that now exists between you whether this be at the girlfriend stage or marriage stage of your relationship.

She wants the excitement of being on an adventure with you! She already knows she is not the adventure because she knows she is just a human being! Plus she wants more of an adventure than just finding out about you! If you cannot offer that adventure she will also get bored with you and will be disappointed with you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking all girls want is intimacy and safety. Like any human being they have a need for excitement as well!

So how do you do this?

By adding excitement from external sources, like the things you decide to do with her, together, you will add so much more excitement and adventure to your relationship beyond simply what you feel for each other!

-Plan adventures!

-Take time to go do specific fun things that you both enjoy doing!

-Surprise her and change things up!

Do this is a sure way to increase the success of your loving relationship with your girlfriend or wife!

 

4. Pornography – Pornography is any type of lust based material involving sexual depictions of women, not just hardcore sex or nude photos! This also extends to the “pornography” inside your head, the mental fantasies that you indulge in and spend time focusing on. You may disagree strongly or you may be wondering how this can possibly be. To answer that we’ll have to go deeper into this subject to see why.

So first of all, why is pornography so dangerous and destructive to having a loving relationship with your girlfriend or wife?

(a) Pornography is all about self gratification; it is a selfishness action that is purely about getting a feeling for yourself, the problem is there is more than 1 person in a relationship!

(b) It’s chasing the wrong kind of excitement and not pursuing the excitement of intimacy. Relationships are built with emotional intimacy, and unlike a new rush, intimacy keeps getting easier and easier.

(c) Pornography makes your wife less visually appealing and physically exciting to you!

All pornography has the same purpose and the same effect weather it be hard-core, soft-core or simply or women in bikini’s; the desired effect is the feeling of being turned on! The fact that pornography comes in varying forms and degrees of intensity is irrelevant, soft-core and hard-core pornography are just different points on the same path with the same goal in mind. The reason why it is so devastating is because it’s never enough and never stops where it currently is. It never satisfies for long and what was once satisfying no longer has the same feeling or impact it once had which in turn causes us to seek that same feeling we used to get by turning to something more hardcore. This cycle continues over and over again until we are looking at very sick stuff because we keep going deeper and darker. The problem is we often don’t notice it because we’ve gotten so desensitized! The same principals hold true with any stimulus in life! Money, power, drugs or violence! On top of all of this it is highly addictive because of the feeling it gives us!

Related to this is the intention behind it all.  You may think you are just satisfying a need and this by the way is a very common argument. But then meet that need inside a loving relationship with your wife! You may feel a very strong urge to look at pornography, but remember, how did you get there? You got there by the choices you made. Firstly by not putting effort into your relationship with your wife and secondly by looking at pornography in the first place.  In other words it did not just happen all on its own!

So why are mental fantasies just a different variety of the same thing, for the reasons mentioned above, the effect and the intention of it are the same. It just takes a different form, but still outside of a loving relationship with your girlfriend or wife.

The bottom line is that pornography is a cheap and inferior replacement to the real sexual satisfaction and intimacy you can have within a loving relationship with your wife if your willing to put the effort into it.

So how do you stop looking at pornography?

-First you need to understand and believe how destructive and detrimental this is!

-Have accountability partners!

-Put blockers on your computer or get rid of the computer altogether!

-Choice, nothing happens by its self, you actually have to go and make yourself look at pornography. The computer does not move to you and turn itself on!

-Lastly but most importantly, find a replacement for it. In this case a replacement that is better! The best replacement is a strong, loving relationship with the right woman. Put effort into your relationship and go to her to meet your sexual needs. Take the time to satisfy her they way she wants and the favor will be returned! In addition to being turned on, you will also have love and intimacy, and the truth is, unlike being turned on, the feeling of love and intimacy is satisfying and does not diminish. Part of that is because it is more than just a feeling. Not only this but the deeper your love goes and the stronger it gets the more satisfying and fulfilling sex will be for you!

-In the future, judge your choices around pornography and lust by this criteria: Is it in the name of love and intimacy? Is this helpful to my relationship or marriage? Would my girlfriend or wife be ok with this? If I ran the implications of this out in the long term, what would the results be to my current and future relationships?

 

3. Not Knowing Her Love Language – A love language is simply the manner in which your girlfriend or wife wants to be loved and feels most loved when this method is used.

There are 5 love languages or 5 ways people can be loved in a relationship. They are: Touch, spending time with that person, giving gifts, acts of service and verbally, through words. Although everybody has all of them in varying degrees, and they can be combined, one or two always stand out above the rest for each person. Because these stand out and have the most impact your wife or significant other will feel most loved by you when you use her primary love language.

When you don’t your girlfriend or wife will simply not feel your love to the same degree regardless of the intentions and feelings you have. In fact, there is a chance that she will virtually not feel it at all! This means a lot of wasted time on your part and you ending up baffled as to why she feels the way she does and you are not getting the response you want despite your effort and intentions!

So how do you do change this and find out her love language so you can have the love you want in your relationship with your girlfriend or wife?

- Find out about her! Know her better than you know anything or anyone else! What makes her feel loved?

- Ask others, ask her and reflect on your experiences with her.

- Also you can read the book and take the test together!


 

2. Getting Your Masculinity From Her! – This means defining your manhood or your sense of how manly you are by the type of women you have or what sh thinks of you. In other words, the affirmation you gain from your relationships.

If your definition of masculinity comes from women then by definition your manliness will change from moment to moment based on how women view you. Of course this not make any sense, how can your masculinity suddenly change based on what others think or perceive about you? Another reason this does not work is because femininity cannot bestow masculinity. You may feel masculine by comparison but this does not give you masculinity. Regardless, this will have a huge impact on your relationship with your girlfriend or wife in multiple ways. First, it will cause you to change your behavior towards her because you will be wanting her to be giving you that affirmation, she will sense and feel this and it will be a turn off to her. In many ways you be a slave to her view of you. Secondly, you will be less confident and your confidence level will change day to day, another turn off to the woman in your life.

Believe it or not your manhood is not related to women and it does come from women. If it was, the criteria for being a man would simply be a physiological function of being able to have sex. So if it’s not that, then what, physical appearance? How about muscles, is being a man about how large your biceps are or how tall you are? Can something this shallow and meaningless really account for any part of being a man? In reality being a man comes from something much deeper than just physical characteristics or functions. It comes from your values and character and how you act on them. Masculinity does involve women, but only in how you treat them, which should come from the same principals and values that determine how you live the rest of your life.

So how do you do this so you can have the love you want in the relationship you have with your girlfriend or wife? First you need to set up your criteria of what it is to be a man apart from women or physical characteristics. This means making a list of values, morals and character traits that you deem essential to being a man.

The second step involves acting on that list you just came up with. It’s one thing to know something, it’s another to do it. Information is useless unless you actually do something with it. You are only who you are in the present and there is only the present, there is no tomorrow. So who are you being and how are you acting?

 

 

1. Following Instead Of Leading – Following means not making decisions, especially the hard ones, following means not taking responsibility for your wife, following means being passive instead of taking a stand and taking action! All of these things will detrimentally effect the relationship you have with your girlfriend or wife!

Leadership is important because she wants it! Taking action, taking responsibility and making decisions is the only way to actually be the man she wants you to be for her, to protect her, provide for her and help her to reach her potential. Even though many women will not admit it publicly this is what they really want. They want the feeling of being with someone stronger than they are. Letting your wife make the decisions, putting the responsibility on her and deferring to her leadership will lower her respect for you. You need to be proactive, purposeful and deliberate. Part of this entails never just letting her “win” unless it is something silly and meaningless. Don’t fall into the trap of “women always just think they are right” so let them be right. This of course does not mean being a dictator either, your decisions should be joint and made together. Leadership does not mean not compromising.

There is something you need to watch out for when it comes to being a leader; your wife may be undermining you, this does not mean she is trying to undermine you, but that does not mean she isn’t nonetheless. This may come through in the comments she makes to you or about you in front of others. It may simply how she tries to take the leadership from you and make decisions completely on her own or the way she disagrees with you and fights what you want. On the other hand she may also be purposefully doing this if you are trying to change the situation and become a leader. This will be because she is used to having that role and power and wants to keep it that way. Human beings always like things to stay the way they are and are resistant to change especially when power is involved and they gain value from it. You need to over come this in order to have the relationship you want with your girlfriend or wife.

So how do you do this? First be clear on what you want for your girlfriend or wife, that is a loving relationship with them. Then start thinking about what leadership changes need to happen in order for that to take place. Once you are clear on your goal, take the next step by having a conversation with your girlfriend or wife. Communicate to your intentions, feelings and thoughts on this matter. Work together to come up with a plan of what this is going to look like and how it will work. For instance, does this mean meeting at a certain time each week for discussions and planning. What decisions should be made together and which can be made separately. Ultimately she should be supporting you in this if she wants what is best for you, her and your relationship!

 

-If you want to know how this specifically applies to you as a unique individual in your unique situation…

-If you want to take action, apply this and overcome the barriers and obstacles in your life while using your strengths…

-If you want to stay on track once you’re on track…

Start by booking a free 45 minute life coaching sample session using the form in the top right corner or email me at Shane@LifeOPC.com or call 250-889-0988 today!